Robert Brazile
LB, HOU

Robert “Dr. Doom” Brazile snags yet another TLL Defensive Player of the Week award, adding to his capture of the title in Week 14 of last season. After receiving the prior award, things reportedly got a little off the hook. Brazile, in the midst of the Oilers` losing battle to make the AFC playoffs, took out his frustrations after winning the award. He threw what was called a “berserk” party, renting out fourteen hotels in downtown Houston, hiring Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith as the official entertainment and “party favor” providers, and calling in future Oilers reserve tight end John Henry Mills from 1995 to serve as “hype man.”

Mills brought his confrontational and outspoken style to the event. “You be-atches listen to me, dammit,” he shouted at a crowd which included Brazile`s grandmother and 8-year-old niece. “This man right here, this mothaf@!ka Robert Brazile, he don`t need Houston. He don`t need this damn team, this damn city – none a y`all. Y`all need this man!” The future reserve tight end then proceeded to throw the dead fish that, for undisclosed reasons, had been brought by Zeppelin drummer John Bonham.

For his part, Brazile turned the roof of the Astrodome into a giant Slip-N-Slide, traveled to Lynchburg, Tennessee to rob the Jack Daniels distillery of over 80% of its stock, and screamed that he owned everyone and everything in the NFL.

This time around, however, the tone was different. After the Oilers` Week 2 loss to the Seattle Seahawks, Brazile, in protest of coach Bum Phillips` practice of bringing his collection of exotic butterflies to the game, took a vow of silence. In a stunning show of solidarity, future reserve tight end John Henry Mills did the same.

The very next week, Brazile put in a performance for the ages, recording eleven tackles and a sack, and forcing a fumble in a convincing 28-14 win for the Oilers over the Miami Dolphins.

We dispatched former quarterback turned poet and journalist Parnell “Emily” Dickinson to Houston to capture the reaction to this latest award. Due to the reaction to Brazile`s previous award, Dickinson went equipped with a bullet-proof jacket, a flotation device, a gas mask, and a bottle of No-Doz.

But upon arriving at the Astrodome, there were no rockstars. There were no fighter jets. No nude celebrities.

There was just Robert Brazile, standing at the 30-yard-line, in full uniform, as if already lined up for next week`s kickoff.

Parnell Dickinson watched him for awhile, standing beside the enormous linebacker in silent reverie for a true winner. And then, just as everyone else had, Dickinson left. Brazile stood alone, vigilant, as if single-handedly keeping watch over Houston`s bid to erase the failures of a season ago and take its place among the AFC elite.