I’m partial to the Kingston Trio’s rendition of the popular song Where Have All the Flowers Gone?  After last night’s double-header between, myself, coach cheapcatch, and jordanshrug, a new tune in the form of a question arose:  Where has all the offense gone?  The coaches embarked on an hour long crap fest that ended only when Ken Stabler picked himself off the ground on the final play of the game, after slipping for the umpteenth time.  Finally it was over!

In game one as Chicago, now (5-6), faced Tampa Bay, now (5-5-1), a lack of offense was to be expected, as the #2 and #4 ranked defenses went at it, but that doesn’t mean the play is any less ugly when couched in those terms.  In all the Bucs mustered 59 yards of total offense, and after Doug Williams was benched for throwing two costly INTs, Mike Rae came in relief, going 0/6 with a pick.  The best punt of the day came when Rae chucked a long ball on 4^th and long that was intercepted in the end zone. 

Meanwhile, Chicago was again without “superstar” Walter Payton, and once again, that did not seem to matter, as the Bears have reeled off four straight wins, all without Payton, after beginning the season (1-6) with Payton in the lineup.  One of Payton’s lowly reserves, I guess, thought he was Walter Payton as he spun quite a bit, gaining 55 yards on 9 carries.  A few more games like that, and he’ll catch Walter Payton and his impressive 353 yards rushing on the season.

Back to the game:  Nearing halftime the game was tied 0-0, until Mike Phipps dropped back-waaaayyyy back- heaving a 69 yard touchdown to James Scott, for his only catch of the game. The Bears failed to score in the third quarter after Terry Schmidt hauled in his seventh INT of the season, returning the ball inside the Buc 10 yard line (the result was a missed FG).  The score remained 7-0 after three quarters.

Leeroy Selmon was the shining star for the Bucs, as he broke through almost every play, even though he only ended with 2 tackles and 1 sack.  Meanwhile the Bears defensive line completely overwhelmed the Bucs feeble OLine, as they gained 4 total sacks and were constantly in the backfield. 

The Bears would strike again in the 4^th quarter, inspired by a Phipps 40 yard floater to Rickey Watts.  Eventually Robin Earl in rare duty and a rare feat, evaded a Buc defender, then leaping his way into the end zone for the touchdown.  This would give us the final score of 14-0.  Coach Shrug brought forth the “Ewing Theory”, which attempts to capture a how a team gets better once a star player goes out of the lineup.  Is the “Ewing Theory” appropriate for the Bears and Walter Payton? Another, probably-not-much-of-a-coincidence is the fact that the Bears started winning once Vince “Bob” Evans stopped entering the game.  Pick your theory, or add your own to the mix….

Game 2 featured an AFC rivalry between the Chiefs and the Raiders.  Oakland manhandled KC the first go-around 28-13, matching up quite well with the Chiefs, despite Kansas City’s pretty surprising superior, division leading record.  Wellll….in this one Oakland straight up laid a stink bomb on offense and special teams.  Each team at least played pretty good defense, giving up 13 points of the total 27 points scored. 

The first thing one needs to know is this was a rain game.  Things were amiss for the Raiders, almost from the get-go.  Stabler (Due to the rain?  Himself?) just did not want to throw the ball on time, and this really put a kink into things.  It made me wonder if it was the rain, or Stabler himself, as I had no problem delivering the ball on time with Phipps just moments ago.  Anyhow, with the game again deadlocked nearing halftime, just like the former game, Stabler lured The Taxman to a certain wide out, and then switched quickly to an open WR in the middle.  “One press of the B Button ah ah ah….Two presses of the B Button ah ah ah….Three presses of the B Button ah ah ah….Four presses of the B Button. There we go:  Four, four presses.”  But no!  Don’t throw it now, Barbaro has had time to recover!  Too late:  With the B button glitch in full effect Gary Barbaro trots over to pick off Stabler’s late pass (actually he had plenty of time….), and then due to the rain, everyone is slow as slugs, giving the Taxman ample opportunity to jog 65 yards for the first score of the game.  It was 7-0 Chiefs at the half.

B Button glitch or no B Button glitch Stabler was pretty crappy in this game, completing 4/16 throws while notching two picks.  The second of which stalled a nice Oakland drive, after Stabler went for the gusto with Dave Casper and was INT’d by M.L. Harris in the end zone.  When coach Cheapcatch took over the Raiders, they were (0-2), but after reeling off five straight wins, and with the offense on absolute fire, Cheapcatch was feeling pretty confident about what he had in Oakland. But now the Raiders have dropped three of four games, scoring no more than 14 points in any of those games.  Stabler only has 2 TDs to 5 INTs during that span, after throwing 16 TDs to 1 INT to start the season. 

Although Oakland already had two turnovers at this point, the fateful turning point of the game might have occurred following the Raider defense backing the Chiefs up deep in their own end.  With the Raiders trailing just 7-0, Dave Casper received the punt, making it down to about the 30 yard line, setting up the Raiders with excellent field position.  Except….for the fact that he fumbles the ball, with the Chiefs recovering, and taking it to midfield.  This would lead to a 60 yard FG, giving the Chiefs a commanding (not an exaggeration) 10-0 lead.  Oakland would respond midway through the fourth quarter, kicking a FG of their own, now down 10-3.  Immediately the Raiders went for the onside kick.  There were no Chiefs to be found, while four Raiders in a frenzy swarmed around the ball.  For several seconds the Raiders hovered about the ball….pick it up!  Pick it up!  No one would do so for some reason.  After about five seconds a Chief came out of nowhere to scoop up the ball, taking it the distance, and sealing the game at 17-3. 

The Chiefs would add a late touchdown to make the game 24-3 when the deadly Mike Living “La Vida” Ston to JT Smith combo beat the one true Jedi in the end zone.  The Chiefs only compiled 80 yards of offense, but they scored 21 more points than the Raiders.  This game seemed to exemplify the Chiefs surprising (8-2-1) record.  With no offense to speak of game in and game out, the Chiefs under coach Shrug keep winning.  The formula here, as with many of their other games, is a stout, opportunistic defense, and just all around timely plays.  For the Raiders the game was an embarrassment.  The defense played really well, although no one could tell from the score.  With a great chance to hop up the playoff ladder, and even make a run at the AFC West, the Raiders fell flat in the mud of the rain soaked field.  Ken Stabler slipped so many times there was thought someone was dropping Mario Kart bananas in his path.  At (6-5), and after losing three of four, the Raiders playoff chances are dimming.  Meanwhile the Chiefs are sitting pretty comfortable at the top of the AFC West, and even if San Diego does manage to catch them, they seem assured a playoff spot.

The double-header was split a game apiece, but that is not the only thing these coaches shared that night:  They both wondered Where has all the offense gone?